Grandmothers

It's been a rough couple of months over here. For one thing (if you can use a throwaway term like "for one thing" on something so major) my mother died a few weeks ago. I may or may not write about that once I decide if it actually happened, but I can say it has been terrible and wonderful and all over the place. Losing her has been gutting - although I need to think of a better word than "lost" when it comes to Mom since that makes me feel like if I just pull up the couch cushions I'll find her; I did that yesterday (for unrelated reasons. I'm not a total idiot.) and only came up with a Barbie shoe, a dry marker and the X from the RM's alphabet puzzle. Anyway I think this must be somewhat how it feels to lose a limb because in a lot of ways I have to figure out how to live differently. Learn to do basic things without her here. Mom was sick for a while and we knew full well it would suck when she died, but of course we really only got that in the abstract. Sort of like when you hear "war is hell" and you're all, you bet, sure is, but then you actually go to war and then it's "wait just a second...war IS hell! Get me out of here!" Yes, this is fucking awful! You weren't kidding! On the other side of it, the many kindnesses my family and I have received from friends and even people we barely know has been staggering. I simply don't deserve it so I know it's nothing but a tribute to Mom.

So we were in the red there for a bit when it comes to grandmothers but we're even again. This is because the Red Menace has been shopping around for personalities and has finally settled on grouchy old granny. This child is three going on ninety. AD was such an easy, sunny kid so it's been an adjustment; of course we know all children are different, but I thought my girls would be separated by eye color or sense of humor, not four generations. I half expect her to start reminiscing about WWII rationing, or yelling at me to get off her lawn. The kid gripes about EVERYTHING. And forget about trying to get her to leave the house. It doesn't matter where we are, she'd rather be home. We were at the beach this fall, unpacking after a long drive and looking forward to hitting the sand and all she can say is "it's time to go back home now. I want to go to my house." We'd been there an hour. JHP and I were discussing this and we think we can pinpoint the day her new persona settled in for good. We'd seen glimpses, sure, but I think the day she decided to own it was when we took the girls to Stone Mountain. You can say it was JV of us to go to Stone Mountain in the first place, but you'd only be half right because AD loved it. Loved it. Nerded out about it all and told us all kinds of stats about what kind of mountain it is, how big, etc. On the other end of the spectrum, I give you our younger one

 

The whole time. And then when we finally gave in to her demands and came home, she tried to eat a pen.



 

 

Which is actually kind of good news, because normally that kid won't eat a damn thing; we suspect she survives on photosynthesis and pollution. Food is another area that she's just been a Russian nesting doll of unpleasant about. "No. That, I don't like. All day I don't like that." about everything. Stuff she's never seen or tried before, stuff she loves - you name it, you'll have to hear about how much she doesn't like it, and for how long. She doesn't even like macaroni and cheese. What kid doesn't like macaroni and cheese? I'll tell you: none. Ergo, old lady. I should see if she'll try tomato aspic or jello salad with pineapple rings, that might be right up her alley. AD at this point was eating everything - sushi, Thai, salsa - stuff that the mere mention of will send the RM into a horrified fugue state. You'd cause less offense by serving ribs at a Bar Mitzvah.

 

There are few things that do not bring this child consternation. We took her to the Children's Museum in Memphis recently, for example, and did she play on the climbing tower or dress up or do an art project or anything normal? No. She went directly to this guy

I don't know who in the hell okayed this for a CHILDREN'S museum. This would not be okay in a Jeffrey Dahmer museum.

 

and berated him for "doing a very bad job brushing your theeth-es. Very bad!" She worked on him for over 30 minutes and then wanted to split. Just this weekend I took her to the Georgia Aquarium thinking surely she'd enjoy that, but almost immediately she started to bitch about this thing

for having a mean face at her. Then she yelled at the jellyfish to "PUT ON YOUR PANTIES, YOU" but that might have been kind of my fault because I'd seen the underside of a particularly alarming sawfish and may have said something similar. But still.

she has a point

 



She didn't exactly come away from the experience with a greater appreciation of life's wonders.

Even with her friends, this kid is a grump. We have afternoon carpool with her best friend, a precious little girl named Kate who is just the sweetest, happiest girl you'll ever know. I can't understand how Kate tolerates her because the RM just works her poor ass like you wouldn't believe. A typical conversation goes as follows:

RM: "Let's play I Spy. My turn MY TURN first. I spy something pink."
Me: "No ma'am, let Kate go first. Let's have nice manners."
RM: "Fine. Kate go."
K: "I spy something pink."
RM: "My pants. I win!"
K: "no, that's not it. Another pink."
RM: "MY PANTS ARE TOO PINK. I WIN."
K: "No, sweetie, it's something else that's pink. In the front seat."
RM: "that front seat there is not pink. My PANTS are pink. MY TURN. Give me your Dora ring."

It's like listening to the Snuggle bear argue with Ellen Corby, if they were both recent immigrants and had yet to fully master sentence structure.

MY DRESS IS TOO BLUE. I WIN, John Boy.

 

She is exhausting. I guess it's nice to know that the universe always somehow balances out; when God shuts the door on one grandmother, he opens the window on another. Too bad I kind of want to toss this one out. I'm about to go pick her up from school...I'll let you know if she greets my radio selections with a "that's not music, that's just noise!"