Dog Days

So we're only a few days into summer vacation and it is already apparent that I am both unable and unwilling to responsibly care for my children. Since the girls have been out of school, AD has painted our front porch steps with purple and green nail polish, helpfully rearranged our pantry by throwing out all the cereal boxes but leaving the actual bags of cereal, and watched a good bit of "Reservoir Dogs". The unedited version. The RM, for her part, decided to enhance her legs, our bedspread and my new white pants with original artwork, colored all over my computer screen with sidewalk chalk, and tried to shave. Even though she's been potty trained for a good while now she also took a cow-sized dump on my bathroom floor, which I discovered after she began yelling "I LOVE TO POOP ON THE FLOOR AND HIT PEOPLE!" Can't think of any reason at all that should alarm me.

Then there's this

Her class had a treasure hunt as part of their end-of-the-year party and she's been keeping the "moneys" she found in her underwear; it doesn't take much to follow that line of thinking to the Pink Pony and a scorching case of genital warts.

Did I mention they've only been out of school since Thursday?

I probably shouldn't throw stones as I haven't exactly been doing cold fusion over here. My best moments lately have included deciding to pluck my eyebrows after a couple of glasses of wine, and reading the new Dan Brown book; both were quite ill-advised. I also stepped in a huge patch of dog poo while wearing my new leather pebble-soled driving shoes which made me so mad that I heaved them into the ivy behind our house, and then ate a whole bag of Cheetos. With me as their mother it's really no wonder these kids are a bit off.

AD's leaving for camp this weekend, and it may be the only thing that saves her. Someone let me know if they can provide safe haven for the RM as well.