Ice, Ice, Murray

Thanks to the weather we're housebound yet again. JHP is in Seattle, so I am on my own with the children which just seems terribly irresponsible on someone's part even during the best of times. JHP isn't really any help during inclement winter weather - to the contrary he's a bit of a disaster. He grew up in Houston and went to college in the South as well (Duke. Can you even imagine a more obnoxious combo, a Texan who went to Duke? If he was a Yankees fan the odiousness of it all would be a jailable offense) so he's kind of a moron about snow. The first winter he lived in DC, for example, his car windows iced over so what does he do? Boil a pot of water and take it out to the car. He slipped in the driveway and dumped it all over himself, but not being one to let a clear sign from above deter him from an idiotic pursuit, he boiled another pot and poured it on his windshield. Which promptly exploded. I'm not exactly a pro myself, having grown up in Memphis - during my first DC snowstorm I stole my roommate's golf shoes so I could walk to the Metro without breaking a hip (I'm sure I looked more than a little insane stomping my way down the street in men's size 11 shoes, and I'm equally sure said roommate really appreciated what that did to his spikes) but I'm not an active menace. Anyway, all this is to say that I don't need him here for weather issues as much as I need someone to help contain the threat to the homeland.

I have more words for "my children are driving me to the Betty" than the Eskimos do for ice

 

The girls do not do well in captivity. Even my eminently responsible AD - who started the morning by making biscuits from scratch and doing all the laundry (no shit. I know, right?) was chafing by noon. Both of them have been especially frustrated that this storm didn't bring fun, fluffy snow - in our neck of the woods it's just sleet. They refused to believe that this wasn't the kind of thing you wanted to play in so I let them go outside and figure it out for themselves; after about 45 seconds of heaving drippy ice at one another they gave up and came back in. I'm hoping that was a small enough window of outside exposure that the neighbors couldn't tell that I was too lazy to find the RM's gloves so I just shoved oven mitts on her, which she demanded AD put away for her the minute she got inside. Poor AD tries so hard to be helpful and sweet and entertain her sister, but it's tough to do when there's only so much you can do with a three-year-old. Especially this one - the RM has been going through a terribly tedious helpless phase lately and has "I can't DOOOO it!" running on a loop. You name it, it is simply outside her skillset. Open a banana? Oh good heavens, no. Fold that piece of paper? The hell with that. Forget anything as sophisticated as Chutes and Ladders with her big sister, never mind the fact that she was the Gary Kasparov of that shit two weeks ago. All the RM wants lately is for people to do things for her, and with a smile on your face too - "be HAPPY at me that you're zipping this pant!". She's the welfare queen of Birchwood Drive, as if I need that.

 

I should also let you know that the RM recently informed us that she's now "Murray"; we don't know why but since it makes no less sense than anything else she does we're rolling with it. I do know we don't care for Murray. In spite of her evident helplessness, Murray woke me up this morning by trying to stick my hair in a glass of orange juice she somehow poured herself; she then woke her sister when she tried to insert her big toe into her nostril. When I scolded her, she said "oh fucks! Fine, homie." because Murray has a poorly developed potty mouth, and then proceeded to paint the shower floor with an entire tube of toothpaste, flush 2 of AD's biscuits and cut the tops off of my papyrus plant. I know you're probably thinking I should keep a better eye on her but let's be honest, I have obligations - that candy certainly isn't going to crush itself. I could plant her in front of some sort of electronic and let her zone out, but part of me feels that Sofia the First is just a crutch and if the iPad comes out then the terrorists have won. Plus I really should endeavor to mold Murray into a productive child with appropriate creative outlets and skills to help contribute to the family, right? Let's just say Murray is not entirely on board with this philosophy. This was a real-time reaction to "take the Christmas tree ornament and bottle of nail polish out of your panties and clean up your room" this morning.

 

 

 



 

"I can't DOOOOO it!" Murray has issues. I really should have AD figure out how to deal with that; we should have plenty of time as I just received an email telling us that school is closed again tomorrow. Oh fucks.