AD is a color commentator - she provides a running narrative of absolutely anything that's happening, like she's a reporter on the scene of a hurricane or breaking Supreme Court decision. Except 99 times out of 100 she's giving you "and then she said get your book it's on the chair and I said no it's not and she said yes it is and I said oh here it is I was looking on the wrong chair". Pretty dull stuff, and it's constant; she even talks in her sleep, in a voice so loud and clear that you think she must be awake until you realize she's making less sense than usual. "Buy sugar free, though original is yum for kids!", "you really want to keep my shoes, don't you?" and "he doesn't need to be one of those juggling persons" are some of the things she's woken us up with lately. Kind of disorienting.
The good thing about AD is that if you can just tune her out, you're okay. She doesn't require any input or answers, she's all outbound. The Red Menace is a different story; she talks just as much (if not more) but she demands your full attention and participation
Look mom. Mom LOOK. LOOK. MOOOOOOOOM LOOOOOK. Mom.
If I try to ignore her she will either repeat herself until I knuckle under and respond or will physically attach herself to me like a tree frog until she feels adequate attention has been paid. Taking her out in public is a daily exercise in humiliation for me; it's not a trip to the grocery, nossir, it's just the opportunity she's been looking for to expand her fan base. She talks to everyone, and it doesn't matter one bit if they're 50 feet away. "WELL HELLO TO YOU THERE. WHAT'S YOUR NAME HOW OLD ARE YOU." Woe upon your house if you don't respond - the RM will keep you in her tractor beam until you agree to converse, which will end up being confusing and uncomfortable for both of us as she will inevitably say something like "my hiney has a hole in it and I'm a princess" or "I have BURGERS in my nose".
My sister Cslos works at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital and has given both girls several really cute "I love St. Jude" t-shirts which have become invaluable when it comes to salvaging the RM's public image. I've noticed more than a few people dial down their annoyance with her when they see she's wearing one, like they think perhaps she's the subject of some strange medical experiment that makes her act like a nosy caveman. I do nothing to dissuade these assumptions. Since I know the truth, my annoyance has traditionally been alleviated only by the silence that the night-nights would buy. Letting her have one of those was the only way I could get her to shut the hell up - alas, those days are gone. Last week the "Night-Night Fairy" came and took them away to give to all the new little babies that need them and don't have good enough judgment to get ones that haven't already been used. Stupid new little babies! We left the night-nights out on the porch because the RM didn't cotton to the idea of having a thieving stranger coming inside the house.
Farewell friends, loyal and true. I miss the shit out of you already.
In return, the NNF brought her a new Ariel Barbie which actually swims and will hopefully make the RM stop being such a twat about putting her face in the water at the pool. Anyway, When my friend Erin gave me the idea for the NNF I thought it was brilliant, but man my bleeding ears are missing them now. At least AD is at camp for the next three weeks so I'm not getting it in stereo.
Time to hit the K-Roger...wish me luck. I'll bust out the St. Jude shirt and remember to buy sugar free, though original is yum for kids!
Unfortunately, 1900-era night-nights are no longer legal, as the authorities, hounded by do-gooders, decided that fruit-flavored opiates were inappropriate for young children.
ReplyDelete