Some Awards Of My Own

So, the Oscars. As usual, I didn't make it too far in the broadcast (this year it was less because of the wine and more due to the fact that the RM had woken up three times the night before yelling at the top of her lungs that Swiper the fox was in her room. She's such a liar because he so wasn't!) but I did catch some of the red carpet action and a few of the awards. Also I saw a little additional coverage this morning and am not afraid to let a few snippets and soundbites lead me to form totally uneducated opinions about all of it because I'm an American and that's what we do. I won't rehash too much of it but I really must get a few things off my chest. And as for chests, I saw your boobs (oh! An actual segment reference! That's some inside baseball, people!).

Shall we start with the red carpet? First of all, that whole Kristin Chenoweth "I'm so short!" shtick got old quickly. We get that you're a little bitty sawed-off thing, find a new angle to work. Also she didn't seem to always know her subjects...I'm not sure you want to ask Bradley Cooper's mom "now, who are you wearing?" (She answered with a "well, I don't know...something from my closet..." but with that feather thing she accessorized with I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd said "Loehman's and Big Bird.") And Kristin Stewart, I get that you're injured and I'm sorry about that, but if you don't wipe that pouty face off your head I'll give you something to really whine about. Come live with me for a week or two and see if you don't have sunshine coming out of your ass, you're so happy to leave. I know that it was probably very traumatic for you to co-star with Jared Leto's honky cornrows in "Panic Room", but we simply must soldier on.

Were you as uncomfortable as I was when George Clooney started going on and on about me? That man is a broken record. I need to speak to him.

I thought it was remarkably brave of Renee Zellweger to show up, considering how upset she must be that someone broke into her home and freeze-dried her face. That's one tough lady. Speaking of tough, Anne Hathaway you could stand to gain a few lbs because you are not looking very chewy. Or very colorful - what was with the muted palettes these ladies chose? I would like to recommend a little more vividness next year. I can let you borrow my Esprit paint-splattered pants from 8th grade; they are indeed quite colorful, and will probably fit any of you. Promise to mention me on the red carpet and I'll let you borrow the matching jacket, too, you lucky thing.

Babs Striesand. I couldn't decide if her outfit reminded me more of a Wild West madam or Madame, that raunchy puppet from "Solid Gold" back in the day. She's getting bad advice; I suspect she might have been dressed by the guy who told Wesley Snipes he didn't need to worry about his taxes.

That's kind of all I've got. However, since I missed most of the good stuff, I decided to supplement the broadcast with some awards of my own. Since I can't exactly relate to the Oscar experience I've created some that are a little closer to home. Also since I get to be in charge, my ceremony is being held at Six Flags and is hosted by triple-threat Shaun Cassidy and Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor  (thank you Krystal and Absolut Mandarin for catering). Please, hold your applause until the end.

Best Display of an Overactive Gag Reflex
This has been a year of really standout performances by the RM, but we're going to have to go with last night's broccoli incident. I made her eat one piece with dinner and she got so wholly overwrought about it that the moment it touched her tongue she vomited all over the table. This comes after a year of some truly fine displays of gagging over various and sundry vegetables but she really dug deep for this one; one can only speculate that she's been building up to it all season.

The "A Christmas Story"/"Not A Finger" Award for Most Creative Use of Faux Profanity
The award goes to me, for the moment immediately after the RM vomited all over the table. I'd like to specifically thank "golblammit" and Clorox wipes for their roles in the production.

DFCS Moment of the Year
Such a competitive category! Not to be immodest, but it's been a year positively rich in questionable parenting. Until just last week it looked like it was a shoo-in for the time AD was riding her bike outside at my parents' house and got her shoelace stuck in the bike gear and just busted ass. I was so checked out that I wasn't even aware anything had happened until a neighbor called my mom and asked her if she was aware that there was a bloody child tied to a bicycle in her yard. However, the toilet fiasco at Houston's last week rode a late groundswell of support and walked away with it. To summarize: the RM decided to give civilization a shot and use the restroom, and AD very sweetly offered to take her. Their mother very stupidly okayed this enterprise. After about ten minutes my curiosity got the better of me and I went to check on them only to find the RM wedged firmly in the toilet, her little butt in the water and legs turning blue, and both girls in tears. That's just terrible and I'll go quietly once the authorities arrive.

The "Cue the 'Platoon' Soundtrack Because This Was My Vietnam" Moment
In another category dominated by some truly awful toilet incidents, this award goes to when the RM was in the throes of a vicious tummy bug. I was emptying her training potty into the larger potty and dropped it, splashing unspeakable nastiness all over myself and into my open mouth. It is a testament to my fortitude that I didn't go immediately insane. The legacy of this award is that I now reflexively scream with my mouth completely closed. I'm told the Senate Armed Services Committee is discussing a medal.

Most Likely To Get Fussed At in the Next 30 Minutes
JHP takes it to the house! A combination of leaving dirty dishes in the basement, somehow disabling the heat and not letting me know he arrived safely in Seattle when his flight arrived two hours ago gave him a real edge in this category. Jackass.

The "Bad Idea Jeans" Award
I voted with my heart and decided on The Time I Taught The RM How To Use Scissors. Just a stunningly ill-conceived move. Many insiders speculated that Allowing AD To Grow Her Hair Out For Locks Of Love would take it, given that her head now resembles a rain forest canopy, but the damage the RM can now do really appeals to a global audience.

And that brings our evening to a close! Thanks for watching, and stay tuned for your local news.