Oscar Time

The Oscars are this Sunday, and I've barely seen a single thing that was nominated. My yawning lack of knowledge of any of the performances will not, however, deter me in any way from filling out my ballot predictions in my yearly Oscar pool with JHP. Can you call it a pool if only two people participate? A baby pool? Anyway, we take it pretty seriously although for the life of me we can never remember which of us won, and I'm not sure that we've ever actually paid up or followed through on our bets in any way. This is probably because we historically drink lots of wine throughout the ceremony and usually go to sleep before the show is over, but not before we discuss yet again about how Angelina Jolie needs to eat a cheeseburger and that all the actors are actually super-short in real life except for Warren Beatty and Tim Robbins. We're definitely the first people ever to point that out, and it definitely bears rehashing.

In years like this (ie, when we haven't felt that it was worth spending a small fortune for a babysitter and actually going to a movie theater to act like cranky old people if someone else so much as sneezes) I approach the Oscar predictions much as I do the March Madness brackets; with bullshittery. Basketball is another area that I'm not exactly schooled in these days, so I tend to pick the team with the more attractive uniforms. If that doesn't do it for me - say, I'm picking between the equally atrociously clad Dayton and Wyoming - then I go with the location I'd most like to visit. Dayton, you're out; congratulations Cowboys! I hear Laramie's got great skiing this time of year! (Caveat: if Davidson makes it in, I'm picking them to go all the way even if they played the University of Hugh Jackman's Bedroom and shut your stupid face because I just am.) So, employing my highly scientific methods, here are a few of my choices:

Best Actor in a Leading Role
Bradley Cooper. He actually really repulsed me in the movie trailer for "Silver Linings Playbook" which means he must be giving the performance of his life because damn if I don't usually want him getting all up on this. Also I'm thinking that everyone must be sick and tired of that deep method shit that Daniel Day Lewis does. He's managed to really make a name for himself as a weird dude in an industry full of them. I mean, he completely unironically became a cobbler. So, no. Bradley, thank the Academy.

Best Actress in a Leading Role
I'm giving it to Jennifer Lawrence because I've always wanted a crossbow and she's all about archery in "The Hunger Games" which is close enough for me. (One year for Christmas I was certain, based on the size of one of my presents, that I was actually getting a crossbow, but it turned out it was only a guitar. That was fun for a few late night ass-wiggling George Michael "Faith" impersonations in college, but it was no crossbow. Damn my parents and their refusal to arm a teenager.) I don't want it to go to that Jessica Chastain because I'm still sick of hearing about aaaaaaallll that weeeeeiiight she had to gain for her role as a vastly-smaller-than-average-size-especially-if-you-live-in-Mississippi character in "The Help" last year. If she says one more word about it I'm going to throw my fried pickles (and that's not a euphimism) at her bony ass. Congratulations, Jennifer. Don't wear a confusing dress this time.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Alan Arkin because the 1979 version of "The In-Laws" is comedic gold and also features national treasure/stone cold fox Michael Lembeck, aka Kaptain Kool from the Krofft Comedy Hour. Plus it's just time for Dr. Sheldon Kornpett to get his due. That being said I won't punch you in the face if Philip Seymour Hoffman wins because I love him, although if he does then everyone who paid to sit through "Twister" should immediately file a class-action lawsuit.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Helen Hunt. That woman is an amazing actress, and as far as I'm concerned she could have begun and ended her career with her role as the girl in that one After School Special who snorted a bunch of Angel Dust and jumped out of a window and she'd still deserve this. That still scares the hell out of me. Anne Hathaway will not win because her performance does not count as such; anyone would cry like that if they had their hair harvested on camera. I could do that, and I can't act my way out of a paper bag. Yay you, Helen.

Best Animated Feature Film
Anything but "Brave". I saw this in a hotel room in Chattanooga and it just made me mad. I appreciate the concept and love the idea of a strong female lead blah blah blah, but you just can't reasonably expect me to push all my chips in on a movie based on a girl trying to keep her mother from permanently turning into a bear. That just doesn't resonate; I'm sure there are plenty of kids, mine included, who'd be totally cool with their mom having to go hide in the woods for the rest of her life. "Weekend at Bernie's" was more plausible.

Best Original Song
"Skyfall" because Adele threw some heavy shade at that pig Chris Brown at the Grammys a couple of weeks ago. In the absence of a specific category for that I'll give her Best Song. Also Daniel Craig is hot.

Best Director
I don't care. You tell me.

Best Picture
"Argo", because for some reason everyone's all up in arms about Ben Affleck getting snubbed in the Best Director category. The guy's best friends with Matt Damon and has Jennifer Garner for his own personal jungle gym, yet somehow we pity him. Sure. It's like that time I was dating Bradley Cooper and he played a really gross guy in "Silver Linings Playbook" so everyone felt totally sorry for me and gave me diamonds and bearer bonds.

The rest of the categories are too boring for me to miss afternoon carpool for, so there you go. Take it to Vegas. I would tell you that I'll let you know who wins the Piper Oscar pool this year, but I'll probably forget again. Wave at me in carpool.